A Father’s Critical Role
by Mark Gregston

Don't be fooled into thinking that dads aren't all that important. Kids need dads to validate their self-worth. Many problems can come to a family and to future relationships for the children when a dad is absent or not as involved with his kids as they need him to be.

Not only does an absent dad make it hard on the mom - who then has to play both roles - but it is also confusing to the children. Mom the nurturer becomes mom the authoritarian, and the kids begin to feel a void in their life that can create relational minefields in their future.

What about a dad who is there, but he remains disengaged? This too can be a problem; maybe an even bigger problem than an absent dad. It can lead to a loss in a child's self-worth and identity. They begin thinking that they are not important or not worthy of dad's attention, or worse yet, they're a burden to him. As a result, they can develop insecurities and anxieties and may never feel they measure up or are good enough - not to anyone.

Each parent has a separate role when it comes to building a child's self-esteem. Moms instill value in her children and dads validate it. If mom is doing her job, but dad is not right behind her doing the validating, a son may enter into inappropriate relationships to do that for him, or a daughter may go out to find a boy or even an older man who will do the same. They want someone to validate their self worth; but they can only get that from dad.

But what is validation? It's kind of like a stamp of approval. It tells the child that they are loved and accepted for who they are, regardless. It validates that they are a valued and important part of the family and that they are a beautiful person worthy of the adoration of a father. Can't you just tell a child that? Of course you can, and you should! But actions speak louder than words. Validation comes from showing you are interested in the child and not only willing to spend time with them, but that you cannot wait for the next time you two can spend together. It's a very special and important part of your life.

What if the Father is Absent?

If your child does not have a father, or someone to fill that role in their life; it is important to ask your pastor or youth minister, or other family members to fill that void in a positive way for your child.

I knew a man who was slowly passing away from terminal cancer. Before he passed, he asked six different men to look after his children when he was gone. Now that is dedication. This man understood the importance of the role of the father. He wanted at least six men to be looking out for his children, to be sure they would have the support and validation they so desperately need, especially after the loss of a father they loved so much.

My Teen Doesn't Want to Spend Time with Me

Not every dad knows how to be a good father, because they didn't have a good example in their own life. That could be why there is a rift in your relationship. A shift in your parenting to become a validator will allow you to experience something you may never have had before in a relationship.

Perhaps you are struggling with your teen and sometimes just want to cut off the relationship and say "Enough is enough!" So maybe you've gotten overly involved in projects, sports or work and avoid your child. But even unruly children want their dad to offer them the same amount attention and dedication. They may not say it. They may even deny it with all their might. But no matter how nasty they've become, they still need their dad.

These dads may now have to work extra hard to validate their teen. And after they have broken the ice, they should continue to make sure they are doing a good job by asking, "Am I around you enough?" Or, "Do I support you like you need?" "Who do you know you can always count on...is it me?"Who is the second?" "Third?" Sometimes kids cannot explain their needs, but dad's desire to talk to them shows that he cares, especially if he listens to them and takes them at their word.

For all the dads out there that have "blown it" or parents that feel they have lost all connection with their kids, showing how you desire time and interaction with them now will still make a difference. Be persistent, and it will pay off.

Steps Toward Validation

Dads should make an effort to get together with their son or daughter once a week, no matter what. For daughters, make it a date. Go to dinner or a coffee shop and just sit and open your ears, look at her, and ask some good questions. Show her that you will go out of your way to talk to her about what matters most to her.

For sons, you'll do a better job or validating by doing something active together, rather than sitting face to face. Work on a project, golf, hunt, fish, or attend a game together. You may need to go out of your way to find an interest you both have in common.

Positive validation through mutual participation in an activity (especially an activity you may not personally be that fond of ) gives your teenager the impression that you care. Strengthen that feeling by endeavoring to find some way to encourage and praise them, even if it is hard to find something praiseworthy.

Every child yearns for attention from the adults in their life. They might be on guard or may not trust you at first because in the past they have not felt so important to you. Make it clear to them that it is your desire now to spend time with them on a regular basis, and then be consistent. Both of you will benefit, but your teen will feel validated because they begin to feel that you really want to be with them and to nourish the relationship.

Kids need their mom's and dad's presence and attention to their needs. If not, they will look for value and validation somewhere else - usually from all the wrong places — but they will never truly find it.

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, national radio host, and the founder of the Heartlight therapeutic boarding school, a residential counseling opportunity for struggling adolescents, which houses 50 teenagers. Learn more at http://www.heartlightministries.org or call 903-668-2173.

"The work will wait while you show the child the rainbow, but the rainbow won't wait while you do the work." -- Author Unknown

It's Tax Time!

It's that time of year again - TAX time! I've just about finished our taxes and it's only the beginning of February. In my family, this is one of my responsibilities because I'm a "Nerd", the Dave Ramsey label of the more organized and more prepared adult member of the family. Being a "free spirit" (another Dave Ramsey term), my husband wants nothing to do with a task as tedious as tax preparation! It's not practical for his personality type to take on this kind of project because it would probably take him several months to complete what took me about half a day. Focus and determination are required qualities. Not that he doesn't have these particular characteristics - they are just used in a different way. He is a very intelligent person so he definitely has the ability. And he could complete the job if given enough time. It would probably be much later in the year after filing several extensions. These tasks are best left to his "nerd" spouse.

My teenage daughter seems to share the "free spirit" nature with her father. She has a science project due next Monday and she keeps telling me that she has another whole weekend to finish it! She received the assignment approximately two weeks ago. And she'll probably be finishing it Sunday night to be turned in Monday morning. My youngest daughter is the "nerd." She is 7 years younger than her sister and already when she receives a project assignment from school, she wants to get started on it as soon as she gets home that day. Even when I'm not ready to help her gather the supplies. She wants to do the project by herself and works diligently until it's completed. How do I help my "free spirit" procrastinate a little less and help my "nerd" become a little less obsessive?

Maybe the answer is don't - don't try to change their personalities. The world needs both types. We need the "nerds" to keep us organized and prepared and we need the "free spirits" to remind us all to have fun. The girls and I watched a movie yesterday that focused on this exact subject matter. Alpha and Omega is a story about two wolf packs trying to become one. The alpha wolves are trained to hunt and provide for the welfare of the pack. The omega wolves just play. No training is required - these wolves are born with a fun-loving personality. Traditionally the alpha wolves mate with each other and the omega wolves mate with each other. An alpha wolf mating with an omega wolf is strictly prohibited. The female alpha wolf from one pack is going to mate with the male alpha wolf from the other pack thereby uniting the packs. They will share the "food" so that neither pack starves. One problem - they don't love each other. They are both in love with omega wolves! Of course, the elder wolves of both packs think this is an outrage but after some adversity they soon come to realize that maybe the pairings can work.

The best relationships occur when the opposite personalities can learn how to work together. The "nerds" and the "free spirits" both have very endearing qualities and working together brings their lives into balance. And this balance is the goal that we should all be striving to achieve. After all, if we didn't have any "nerds", the world would be in complete chaos. If we didn't have any "free spirits", life wouldn't be any fun. As the alpha wolf in my family, I will train my little alpha wolf to be the best alpha wolf that she can be. I will also do my best to understand my little omega and will leave most of the guidance to her father. And it is my prayer that they will each find their alpha and their omega!

Happier Kids

WOW!! I can't believe that it's been over a month since I last posted. The holidays were a blur and on New Year's Day my family started a round of illness that lasted three weeks before we were all finished with it.

I just finished reading a blog post by Patrick McMillan that I have to share. His post, Help Your Kids Recognize Their Character Strengths, is such a wonderfully positive approach to helping your children realize their full potential. I am definitely going to make a mental effort to include some of the statements he shares into my daily dialogue with my girls.

The Christmas Gift Movie

All my best wishes to you for peace, joy and love during this Christmas season!
The Christmas Gift Movie

New York Times School Volunteering Piece Completely Misses the Mark

Those who know me well know that I am very supportive of volunteering. When I read this article, New York Times School Volunteering Piece Completely Misses the Mark, I immediately thought that Tim Sullivan completely hits the nail on the head. Many people seem to have the misconception that volunteering is an all or nothing situation. And articles like this, Frazzled Moms Push Back Against Volunteering , printed in the New York Times are what feeds this misconception. Maybe the hardest challenge we face in life is learning balance in everything that we do. But balance is the goal that we should all be trying to achieve!